Saturday, August 10, 2013
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
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Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I’ve decide to blog about my inability to blog. I don’t feel my thoughts quite have the value needed to be spread across the internet for just anyone to read. My thoughts are my own and being such I believe they should be kept private and safe from prying eyes. I have a lot of hopes and dreams I’d express in public if I actually believed one of them might come true. Is that enough self-deprecation or should I continue? I think that’s my problem...I never stop turing things into a joke or a sarcastic comment. Not only is humor my shield it’s all I have. I’m afraid that if I ever faced a problem head on without turing it into a sarcastic game I might realize that I actually can’t do this. That I’ll never be good enough. It makes me angry. And I have an anger problem. I hold on anger until it ferments into unbridled rage. Anger is weakness. I’ve always know that, I have. I just wish I wasn’t so weak. I have made drastic attempts to let go of anger this year and it’s been working but sometimes I fall off the wagon and get upset. Maybe it’s the heat or the attitude of the people that surround me at work but I’m having trouble holding in my sanity. Hey, what’s the worst thing that could happen if I just stood up on my desk and told everyone to go to hell? My frustration leads to more frustration. I can and I can’t cope with all of my thoughts. This is why it might be a good idea to blog a little more. Blogging yearly is not the best of ideas. How about I try to blog once a month and see what happens. I’ll turn my pent up rage into verbal diarrhea and pray that no one reads it. I will release my anger into the universe and set myself free from the bondage of my own self-hate. I have good news though. It’s coming soon. Stand by for my postcards from my journey towards self-acceptance.
Friday, December 17, 2010
I’m having and Eeyore kinda day, week...month. Is wallowing a life skill I should be exceedingly proficient at? I see darkness everywhere. I don’t want the holidays but they’re here and they’re holding my self-esteem and happiness at gunpoint. Every year. Every year I let the holidays sneak up on me and I don’t get ready in time. I don’t plan ahead and get things done so I get overwhelmed. I don’t know what to buy, I don’t know what to write and I don’t know who to be. Which me am I suppose to be during the holidays? Loving daughter, supervising adult, little girl, patient listener or drunk embarrassment?
With so many choices it hard to choose. I don’t want to be any of them. There’s never enough money, time or perfection for me to make it through the holidays. I usually run out of one of those things before Dec 15th and then it’s down hill from there. I just want to be me but I haven’t figured out who I am yet. I haven’t discovered who I want to be, I just keep finding out who I don’t want to be. Maybe we can cancel christmas? Maybe I can make canceling christmas my christmas wish? I do believe in canceling the holidays....I do...I do... I do. But you all still have to buy me presents.
Monday, September 27, 2010
My fresh start.....wasn’t so fresh. I can’t keep falling into old traps and making the same mistakes. At the very least I need to make new mistakes. Things go up and down and down and up but the trick is to say on course. To keep moving forward. It’s so easy to get distracted. I know where I want to go and I basically understand how to get there so....off I go. Looking back it’s easy to see where I went wrong. It’s easy to laugh at the old me. Thank god for that. At least I can laugh about it. I’m getting too old for mistakes. I should be closer to my goals by now. I should have more things.....or at least that’s what they tell me. I don’t need or want what they have so why does it matter. I have my mission, I have my life. I’m not following the same steps everyone else is taking....so to them I’m heading in the wrong direction. I’m making mistakes. What others consider to be my mistakes, I consider to be my greatest successes. I don’t know which me I want to be today but I know I don’t want to be you or anyone else. I’m willing to make new mistakes. I'm willing to run in the opposite direction of everyone else. I know who I am and I know what I want. When I grow up, I want to be me.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I need to Restart my mind. I need to let go of the numbness caused by repetition. When we were all in school starting over was easy. The new year began and it was an automatic do over. A clean slate. We started again and built our hopes and dreams for the new year. Lately I’ve been forgetting to dream. I wait in line for over priced coffee and think of nothing. I wonder when the work day will end and I forget to dream. I've forgotten to hope. Losing yourself is easy when you have no direction. I’m building a new path for myself. I new direction to run in. I live each day without goals or hopes or dreams. I feel like I’m just breathing and going through my days like a robot. Automated pilot is not a way to live. To stop all this I’ve created new projects to work on. New goals. New dreams. Of course my first new goal is to get new goals but even that is a start. I’m heading somewhere. I just haven’t figured out where somewhere is. It’s always easy to get where you going if you know where you want to go.